_

This past two days have been fubar. repeat after me, fu... bar... three huge ordnance bombshells and there's still the rest of the weekend left. alot can happen.

I never realised it. pretty ironic eh? just when I wanted to tell some guy, about my biggest flaw, I get utterly destroyed because of it. any ounce of self esteem I have left after a ravenous lion attack was phased out. funny isnt it. its not the end result that mattered but its more of how it happened. of all the most retarded things to do, I chose to do what I did at a very unlucky time. and I think I paid quite big time for it though the rational side of me still remains puzzled. Everything may still be perfectly normal, but I'm not sure if I have sufficient willpower to overcome my subconscious mind. plus, there is still that never ending feeling of guilt at the realization that everything that happened was your bloody fault. so much like tzeentch.

"what have you done?"
"I merely gave you the tools to destroy yourself."

but even while I was swirling down the abyss, after getting headshot just after deplyment, it was only the good Chaplain TheVarnus that noticed my mood. while I refused to budge, the two hours before chem h3 engaging in some interesting discussion and the 1.5 hrs during chem h3 talking about necrons and stuff really made me very much more stable.

sorry plan for bothering you today too after yesterday's sms convo but I was just so traumatized after this afternoon. Its not everyday you nearly get assaulted in the toilet by a *ahem*. god, I was shit scared but thanks for somehow making me feel better. (:

but its quite unfair how I have been misunderstood. circumstances couldn't have helped me much. the innocently dumb things you do will come back to haunt you. this is a perfect example. at least I can gain solace in knowing that I alone know the full story. but I definitely shouldve been a lot smarter. i keep saying i've learnt my lesson but nothing seems to change each time. lalala.i've as good as lost one, but will i lose the other?
and as yensiang said,
"you are damn stupid."